I was in Banff one time to watch my husband’s band perform. A friend and I were out on the dance floor, having a good time enjoying the music. A man started to dance with my friend, who promptly gave him her best “fuck off” glare and, getting her point, he started trying to dance with me. I also gave him an obvious cold shoulder.
The song ended, and my friend and I returned to our table to sit for a bit. The guy followed us and asked if he could sit with us. I replied, “No.” He laughed and sat down anyway. He tried to converse with me, and I told him I was married to the guitarist in the band and really didn’t want him sitting there. I even waved my ring finger in his face. Apparently, he didn’t believe me and kept trying to talk. I stonily ignored him, and he finally got the point and left.
Later, I was again on the dance floor, grooving to a great tune, and I felt someone grab my hips from behind. I turned around with my fist raised, ready to punch the fucker in the face. Guess who? Yep, the same guy as before. He put his hands up in mock surrender and moved away from me.
A few minutes later, I was back at our table waiting for my husband to pack up his stuff so we could return to our room and go to bed. The guy came up to me AGAIN and started trying to talk to me. I lost it and said, “Why the hell do you keep trying to talk to me?” He said, “Why don’t you like me?” or some goddam thing, and I yelled at him that I had TOLD him I am married and I thought he was a creep. He said, “Why do you think I’m creepy?”
I wanted to break a bottle over his head. What a dick.
It disturbs me deeply that a woman saying no actually seems to mean yes to some men, as though a woman is just playing coy and hard to get when she tells a guy to fuck off. I told this guy repeatedly that I was in no way interested in him, but he refused to “believe” me, and he kept trying to put his hands on me.
Why do men feel entitled to women? Why do they feel entitled to staring at our bodies and creeping us out completely with their leering gazes? It doesn’t feel “sexy” to be undressed with someone’s eyes….it’s just disturbing and uncomfortable. It doesn’t make me feel “desirable”—it makes my skin crawl. Your looking at my breasts and ass doesn’t please me—I am not “flattered”. I am disgusted. And putting your hands on me is a great way to get a face full of my fist, as well as a taste of my wrath.
I don’t like living in a rape culture where men seem to think that women exist for their pleasure and they can just treat us however they want. It truly frightens me that the only thing really standing between me and getting raped is a man’s sense of “decency”. It just doesn’t inspire confidence.